


Faded and Lost

by beware_of_fangirling



Series: Destiel One-shots [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry Castiel, I'm kidding there is no comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Past Character Death, Read at Your Own Risk, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 01:36:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2603744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beware_of_fangirling/pseuds/beware_of_fangirling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He never wanted to go back to that place...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faded and Lost

**Author's Note:**

> Phowy...

"Dean? How are you doing?" Sam stared at his brother, worry and concern pressing deep lines into his forehead and seeping noticeably into his voice.

Dean didn't look up from the gun he was cleaning. His face was void of emotion and he moved mechanically. "I'm fine, Sam. Why wouldn't I be?" Someone else might have believed him, but Sam knew better. He knew that Dean wasn't okay, not by a long shot. He knew it was a mistake to take a case so close to where it happened.

"Yeah, right. Dean, it's understandable that being here would be hard. We can just go back home to the bunker and find a different case. It's just a ghost, it doesn't matter."

"What's supposed to be hard?" Dean tried to play it off but his face was tight and pained as he tried to suppress the memory flow. Luckily his back was to Sam, but his brother knew anyway.

"Dean, you know what I'm talking about." When Dean didn't respond, Sam spoke the one name Dean had instructed, no, ordered him never to say to him again. "Cas."

For the first time, Dean halted his movements. Tears threatened to spill, so he shut his eyes tightly. Why did Sam have to say that? Dean could have pretended to be okay for most of the hunt, hopefully, but that one name made it so much harder to ignore the pain in his chest.

"Sam-"

"Dean, stop. I know you are not even remotely okay. You haven't been ever since-" Sam cut himself off. He had said the name, that was hard enough, but saying that was way over the line. It would break Dean, and Sam didn't want to do that more than just being here was. He sighed and started again. "You miss him. I get it, so do I. But Dean," Sam ignored his brothers tensing shoulders and the teary, angry warning look. He had to say this. "-he's not coming back."

That was all it took. The egg had cracked and the mess that was Dean Winchester came pouring out. Tears streamed down his face in seemingly endless rivers and sobs wracked his body. Sam came to his side as Dean sunk to the ground, his knees unable to support the guilt and pain that had formed into a rock in his chest, weighing his heart down to the pit. Sam wrapped his arms around Dean, who for once didn't care enough to stop the growing chick-flick moment. Even the youngest Winchester shed a few tears. Cas had been like a brother to him.

Dean finally calmed down to just shaking and nearly silent tears dropping every few seconds. His arms were counting at the fabric on Sam's sleeve, with Sam's arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. They sat like that until Dean gently pulled away, mumbling something about going to sleep as he walked to the bathroom. Sam sighed as he watched Dean retreat. He wished he could do something to help his brother, but Dean was beyond his help. Even if he would open up to someone, which he wouldn't, how do you help someone who lost their... Whatever Cas was to Dean. You can't.

Dean was in just his boxers and an old t-shirt when he came out. Sam sighed quietly. The shirt was Dean's, but it was the one Cas wore the most often to bed when he was staying at the bunker with them. They both silently got into their respective beds and tried to fall asleep. Sam did, but Dean laid awake, thinking about Cas even though it hurt, trying to ignore the ache in his chest and the fact that only a few miles away was where-  _No_. He wouldn't bring himself to think about it. When Dean finally did fall asleep, it was not pleasant.

_Dean smiled up at Sam when he came in the room. They had just finished off a group of angels and were closer to finding Metatron than ever before. Dean had split away from Sam and Cas to go find any others._

_"Heya Sammy! You got them all?" Dean was cheerful and happy the hunt was such a success, but his smile and mood quickly evaporated when he saw the somber look on Sam's face and the pain in his eyes. "Sammy? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Where's Cas?" Dean noted that Sam was alone. Cas was probably just finishing up or something like that... Right?_

_"Dean... I'm so sorry..." Sam faltered and looked down to the ground, his eyes wet._

_Dean felt panic as if it was slithering in through his pores and crawling under his skin like a second layer. "Sam, where is Cas?"_

_Sam glanced back down at the floor again and back at Dean. His brother had come a few steps closer. He was determined but yet scared to get his answer and it showed. Sam could only muster up one word. "Dead."_

_Dean felt his entire world come to a stop around him before crashing down on his soul like shards of glass. Cas couldn't be dead, he just couldn't! Dean needed him, he needed his angel. This wasn't happening. He wouldn't stay dead, he always comes back, right, RIGHT?!_

_Sam saw the shock and pain and heart-break on Dean's face. He knew that his brother's feelings for the angel were more than platonic, Dean didn't even deny it in private anymore. Cas never knew. "Dean, I'm sorry. An angel came up behind us and stabbed him. I couldn't save him. I got the angel but it was too late. Dean-"_

_Dean didn't wait for him to finish. He lunged forward, pushing past Sam's protests. He had to see Cas, had to know he was okay and that this was all some cruel joke. Sam yelled at him to stop, that he wouldn't want to see it, but Dean didn't listen. Cas was okay, he HAD to be okay.Dean saw the door to the room he had left Sam and Cas in. He pushed Sam rather roughly out of the way, but he was too numb to care more than a little. He yanked the door open but was unable to move from the doorway, frozen in shock._

_Bodies littered the floor, the marks of angel wings burned into the ground beside them. And there he was. In the center of the room. Blood seeping through his white dress shirt in a messy red circle. Angel blade lying by his hand. Trench-coat spread out behind him. Cas._

_Dean's breath caught. Any other time he would have been convinced that they could find a way to bring him back. But Cas' wings were marked into the ground and he knew all hope was lost. The love of his life was gone and he was never going to come back._

_Dean sank to his knees on the ground beside Cas and cradled the angel in his arms. Tears slid from the weary hunters eyes into Cas' dark mop of hair. His body wracked in sobs as he cried for the first time of many to come._

Deanbolted upright in his bed, sweat collecting around the base of his neck and forehead. His breath was heavy and Sam sat on the edge of his bed, worry not even hidden in his face. Dean ignored him as he pressed his hands to his eyes, noticing the extreme wetness around them, obviously from crying. He flopped back onto his back.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

Dean shook his head. No point in lying about this, it was obvious and he had no current pride to save.

"It's okay. It was just a dream," Sam comforted.

Dean shook his head once more. "Memory," he mumbled. Sam nodded, already knowing what the memory was of. "What time is it?" Dean spoke again.

Sam glanced over to the clock. "Around midnight."

Dean stood up and began to get dressed. Sam looked at him quizzically as he slid a clean shirt over his head, now clad in his jeans, the shirt, and socks.

"Where are you going?"

"Out. I need to clear my head," Dean answered as he laced up his shoes and slid on the his worn leather jacket.

"Fine," Sam bitch-faced. He was fluent enough in Dean-language to know that meant he was going to a bar and drowning himself in beer and sex, just like he had been doing for the past few month since Cas died. "Just, please, don't drive if you get drunk and for the love of God don't bring her here. I do not need to be trying to sleep during that."

Dean gave him a mock glare before he left wordlessly and the door echoed shut behind him. He didn't take the Impala; the bar they passed on the way into town was walking distance anyway. By the time he entered the bar, Dean's eyes were clear and there was barely a trace that he had been crying. It only took him two beers and five minutes to get what he wanted and a girl came to sit beside him. She was pretty, but her blue eyes reminded Dean too much of Cas and he gently turned her down, instead opting for the pretty blonde (with brown eyes) who came a few minutes later.

They left in her car, Dean driving as she gave him instructions and palmed his crotch through his jeans. Sadly it didn't do much.

"My roommate's home, but I know a really good place. Just do as I say," she had whispered in his ear. So Dean followed her instructions and tried to keep his mind off Cas.

It only took two minutes for Dean to start recognizing the route they were taking. He slammed the brakes, making both of them jolt foreword.

"What the hell?" The girl glared at him and rubbed where her head had hit his.

"Are we going to the field?" Dean's pulse was racing and his eyes were blown wide with fear.

"Uh, yeah. Problem?" She was clearly irritated but Dean took no notice.

_Nonononono. No. I can't go back there, can't see... That..._

"I'm sorry. I can't do this. You should go back to the bar or something . I'll walk back." Dean hastily got out of the car, trying to control his thoughts and stop himself from having a full blown breakdown. The girl just gave him a WTF look and slid into the drivers seat with an annoyed roll of her eyes.

Dean waited until she was out of sight before sinking to his knees for the second time that night. He didn't cry though, he had run out of tears. Hardly thinking, Dean got up and started walking, but not towards the bar or the motel. He started walking towards the field. He finally reached the spot, the spot he has tried never to think about or even consider visiting. But there he was.

Dean stood in front of the makeshift wooden cross, similar to the one he had at his grave when he went to Hell.  _Cas_ was carved messily onto the front. The familiar tan trench-coat was still hung there, tied to the pole with the angel's own blue tie to keep it from flying away without it's owner.

"Hey Cas." Dean's voice was close to breaking but he had to do this. " Look, man, I need you here. I want you here. I miss you Cas. Every part of you." He shut his eyes tightly and shoved his hands onto his pockets to keep them from shaking. "I-I can't do this. I have to go back to Sammy. He misses you too Cas. Good-bye Castiel." Dean used the name he reserved only for the best or most important of times. "I love you."

Dean turned and began to walk away, missing the ghostly figure that appeared by the grave.

_Good-bye Dean. I love you too._

Maybe now they could both finally rest _._


End file.
